I’m Depressed: A True Story About Depression and ADHD
Published: October 10, 2024 (Thursday)
I've been feeling depressed the last few days.
Today is the first day I felt the "depression fog" lift.
I wanted to capture my story before the symptoms of depression fade away from memory…
That way, I can accurately share what it truly feels like for me when I'm in it.
Why?
To let go of shame and help end the silence about mental health.
HOW I USED TO FEEL
Years ago, I felt guilty laying in bed staring into space or sitting on the couch aimlessly watching TV when I felt depressed.
Before becoming an entrepreneur, I was a lawyer for someone else’s law firm.
To work for others meant I had no choice but to come in for work despite my severe depression and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) symptoms.
So, I would close my office door, put my head on my desk, or stare at my computer screen for hours, panicking about my lost billable hours and fearing getting fired.
My environment made my negative thinking escalate exponentially.
I would SHAME myself with words like,
"Why can't you get over this, Katherine?"
"I should be able to use mind over matter, right?"
"I'm smarter than this."
"My friends and boss will think I'm weak if I can't do what they asked me to do."
"Get up! Get off the couch! Get out of bed! Get up from your desk! Move your body!"
In the guise of these motivational words, I was tormenting myself even more into depression.
I was harder on myself than anyone else.
Then, my two decades of treatment, therapy, ADHD medication, anti-depression medication, reading books, and analyzing research gave me an enlightened insight.
I could permit myself to ACCEPT that I couldn't move…
That my body wanted to lay in bed…
That my mind wanted me to slouch on the couch.
My Acceptance led me to LISTEN to my inner self.
I heard this inner voice gently whisper...
"You don't have to move.
It's okay to lie down in bed.
It's okay to sit on the couch.
It's okay.
You will be okay."
So, I FOLLOWED the kind words my inner self wanted to do at the height of my depression.
When I did that…
I felt a blanket of SELF-COMPASSION embrace me as I lay in bed.
The murmurs of shaming words slowly faded in time. (I don't hear them anymore.)
[Self-Test: Could you have ADHD?]
HOW MY DEPRESSION FEELS
Depression, for me, feels like a fog, blurring my thoughts, emotions, rationality, and all my senses.
I can’t see you.
I can’t hear you.
I can’t feel anything.
When I'm INSIDE my depression fog, I cannot move.
Moving any part of my body is physically painful.
I am emphasizing here that moving is not only mentally painful but also physically.
I KNOW I need to move.
But I cannot.
It requires Herculean effort even to switch TV channels on a remote.
Every muscle in my body aches.
I don't want to move…let alone exercise!
And telling me to try harder to move makes me feel even more depressed because I start feeling like a failure for not being able to "try harder" to make myself move.
So, I smile at anyone saying, "Try harder.”
But my ADHD brain is screaming, "STOP TELLING ME THAT! I KNOW, BUT I CAN'T DO IT. I JUST CAN'T!"
Instead, I want to curl up in bed or on the couch or the floor and do nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
And just the thought of doing nothing feels right and good.
With the mere thought of feeling good, I could feel my inner torch spark a little amidst my dark depression fog.
That's when I knew I was on the right track to healing.
MY RECENT DEPRESSION
The last few days, my monthly depression fog hit me again for no apparent reason.
I slumped on the couch, binge-watching a Netflix series that made me feel good while eating a family-size bag of Lay's barbeque chips (my favorite “comfort food”).
Did I know the chips were unhealthy?
Yes. That thought crossed my mind as I grabbed it from the kitchen shelf.
Instead of shaming myself with that thought, my compassionate self reminded me,
“It’s okay.
You’re going to be okay.”
Eating it was what made me feel happy at that moment - That fleeting self-awareness in the middle of the irrationality prevented me from spiraling into a deeper depression or, worse, into suicidal ideations.
What I told my husband
Before taking over the couch, I told my husband that I was going through depression.
That way, he knew why I would act the way I would throughout the day…low energy…hovering around the house like a ghost…half there, half somewhere else.
I also told him that I'll be the "poster child of depression," so he's prepared to see me zoned out in front of the TV with my junk food, doing nothing else.
No work. No chores. No homeschooling.
Being open to my husband about the state of my depression meant that he was aware and could listen to my needs more.
His knowing also makes me feel he's judging me less or not at all.
When the fear of judgment tries to creep its ugly head and shame me into thinking, “Your husband thinks you’re lazy for not helping around the house more,”...
My compassionate self reminds me,
“It’s a story you’re making up inside your head, Katherine. It’s not real.”
So, I let go of shame by being open to my husband about my depression and by practicing self-compassion.
What I told my kids
I also opened up to my two boys.
I told them, "Mommy is not feeling well. I'll lie down in bed for a while. If you could give me time to be alone and have some space, that would help me a lot."
They nodded and went back to playing.
Sometimes, they give me a lot of alone time and space.
Sometimes, I only get 2 minutes.
My youngest is five and needs mommy often. That's okay, too. Curling in bed with him while he watches YouTube Kids also serves my inner self during my depression, and I welcome that as well.
By being open to my kids about my depression, I normalize mental health for my family.
That way, when it’s their turn to have a hard time with their emotions, they know it happens even to adults.
That way, they can avoid shaming themselves for their emotions, like I did growing up.
That way, they can turn to me for support because they know I can relate.
And I’m grateful that my kids feel comfortable talking about their feelings with me anytime, anywhere. That’s how my son opened up about his depression with me. (That story deserves its own blog post.)
What I told others
You might be wondering what I did about work.
I canceled all my scheduled meetings and rescheduled deadlines.
I texted or emailed them because I had no energy to talk to anyone directly.
And I truthfully shared I was going through depression and needed to focus on my well-being that day.
I’ve learned after two decades that people’s reactions reveal my true friends and people I genuinely want to work with.
95% of your success or struggle is influenced by the people who surround you, according to Dr. David McClelland’s famous Harvard research.
I’ve intentionally surrounded myself with people who would support me during my depression - both personally and professionally.
I let go of the fear of shame and of being judged by others.
And when the ugly head of shame creeps up as I type my email or text to others, my compassionate self reminds me of Deepak Chopra’s mantra:
“I am independent of the good and bad comments of others.”
Then I hit “send” and feel at peace.
ACCEPTANCE IS NOT THE SAME AS GIVING UP
There's a critical concept I'd like to clarify here.
When I said earlier that I ACCEPTED my depression…
That doesn't mean I gave up on myself.
Not at all.
Instead, Accepting my depression means to me…
That I accepted myself for who I am…with my depression and all.
Managing ADHD with my depression comes with hard times for the rest of my life.
It was hard to hear at first.
But I realized I could only transform and thrive when I accepted that I would have to deal with this for the rest of my life.
I felt free about my mental health conditions.
Free from shame.
Free from stigma.
Free from judgment.
I feel resolved and at peace with my inner self…both the good and the bad.
Now, I can embrace the entirety of who I am and come out of the depression fog filled with love, compassion, and understanding for myself.
I feel calm even after a depressive episode.
That's my “resilience mindset.”
HOW TO PRACTICE SELF-COMPASSION
Now, you know some of the ways I manage my depression while I'm actually in it.
You may already know some or all of these coping mechanisms, too.
And like most information for people with ADHD, the challenge is not that we don't know the information.
Instead, the challenge lies in implementing what we know.
That is a biological issue with our ADHD brains.
We need a "bridge" between Information and Implementation.
I hope my stories help you create that "bridge" for yourself.
So, I invite you…
If you're going through depression…
And surrounded by a seemingly inescapable depression fog…
✨✨PRACTICE SELF-COMPASSION using these 3 steps these:
#1 Accept how you feel.
#2 Listen to your inner self.
#3 Follow what your mind, body, and soul suggest.
✨✨These 3 steps come with a caveat: Be safe.
If you feel that doing what would make you feel better is unsafe for you or others, please ask for help. You matter.
You can get help by calling, texting, or chatting with the 988 Lifeline.
Some asked how my depression started. If you’re wondering, too, I briefly shared my response below.
HOW IT STARTED
I've been suffering from depression since childhood when I'd cry myself to sleep, confused with my extreme emotions.
That was in the Philippines, at a time and place where mental health conditions were taboo. People who saw a psychiatrist were labeled “crazy.”
I didn't even hear the word "depression" growing up there (I immigrated to the United States at 16).
Looking back, our family history of depression extended to my family members and relatives.
I felt depressive symptoms even in my early years in elementary school and high school.
At the time, I didn't know it was called major depression or clinical depression (both terms mean the same thing).
But I knew it was more than feeling sad or in a bad mood.
It was more than a loss of interest in things, people, and activities.
A depressive episode had severe negative thoughts, unlike when I had a bad day.
Instead, it felt like the worst day of my life, to the point I didn’t want to live anymore.
At first, I thought it was because of my chronic stress.
After over a decade as a lawyer, my nervous system became conditioned to be in a constant "fight or flight" mode. I had to make significant lifestyle changes to survive and continue practicing law. (I’ve been a lawyer for 19 years now.)
But, signs of depression still showed up at the most inconvenient times.
Then, I thought it might be my hormone levels during my menstrual cycle.
But it seems my depressed mood increased in intensity and turned into severe depression regardless of my hormonal changes. So, that was confusing.
A lot of the time, I would pretend I wasn't depressed, masking my true feelings.
That all changed when the direct impact of my depression on all aspects of my life became unbearable.
HOW I FOUND OUT ABOUT MY DEPRESSION AND ADHD
The first time someone guided me in seeking professional help from mental health professionals was in college at UCLA.
When college students visited professors about their academics, I inadvertently visited my English professor for support for my mental health issues.
Her kindness and compassion started my mental health journey and changed the trajectory of my life for the better. (I'll write about that story separately, too; it's so special it deserves its own blog post.)
I was told I had depression before I received an official diagnosis of ADHD a couple of years later.
The most common diagnosis for women before an ADHD diagnosis is depression.
Since my ADHD diagnosis over 20 years ago, I realized that depression is my comorbidity (meaning occurring at the same time) as my primary condition of ADHD.
This comorbidity of depression is high in women:
68% of women with ADHD were diagnosed with major depression compared to 34% of women without ADHD.
I learned my ADHD triggers my depression. That was a breakthrough realization for me!
But, the timing of my depression fog is still unpredictable.
What’s predictable is that it will happen every month.
I’m tracking my women’s health to understand it better.
Menstrual cycle, pregnancy, perimenopause, and menopause affect ADHD.
More research is needed on this, so I’m left to track my symptoms to learn more about myself.
[Read: Gender Health Gap Update and ADHD Diagnosis In Women]
CLOSING REFLECTIONS
Now that you’ve heard my story, I hope it helps you feel that spark of your inner torch during your depression fog.
Any spark is good, especially when it’s too dark for you.
✍️ YOUR JOURNAL PROMPT
When you are in the midst of your depression fog, what does your inner self tell you?
I appreciate you 🙏,
~ Katherine
P.S. To let go of shame and help end the silence about mental health, let’s continue to share our stories inside our safe space for 𝗠𝗼𝗺𝘀 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗔𝗗𝗛𝗗.
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