Parents: How To Get The 5-Star Review That Matters
Published: April 2, 2024; Updated April 15, 2024
What if kids can "review" their parents? What if all parents are open to being "reviewed" without negative consequences for their kids?
I celebrated my birthday in March in bed, sick with flu-like symptoms. It sucked, but I still felt blessed and grateful when I received my favorite gift—my kids' handmade birthday cards!
My four-year-old drew me the best-looking happy face he had ever made, and my teenage son wrote:
"Dear Mom,
Thank you for being the best mom you could be, even when you're sick [with the flu]. You being our mom makes Justin and I the luckiest boys on Earth!"
Their words fill my heart with so much joy and love I can explode!
Their words also made me think that they were like my "yearly review," which I get on my birthdays, Mother's Day, and holidays—in addition to their daily comments.
My quirky ADHD brain thought this was the “5-Star Review” that truly mattered!
That’s why I started writing this ADHD-stream-of-consciousness blog post.
I wondered: What if ALL kids can “review” their parents?
When I mentioned this to my eldest, his immediate response, with a mischievous grin, was, “Give me ice cream now, or I won’t give you 5 stars!”
I laughed out loud and applauded him for quickly throwing out that idea!
Seriously though:
Having kids didn't come with a manual; all parents make mistakes while raising them.
Working adults are reviewed by their bosses at work, and even bosses are now reviewed by their employees in many companies.
Students are reviewed in school, from exams to parent-teacher conferences.
Parents review children's daily behavior regarding how they do or don't do things at home or in school.
So why does the "job" of molding a person into a human being not get "reviewed" by the children they're molding?
Undoubtedly, getting feedback on what we're doing right and what we can improve as parents will benefit parents, children, and the entire family.
WHY WOULD YOU WANT YOUR KIDS TO “REVIEW” YOU AS A PARENT?
If you’re a parent, you’re probably thinking: “My kids don’t know what’s good for them. I do.” or “My parents didn’t care what I thought when I was little. And I turned out okay.”
Are you “okay,” really?
I invite you to think back to when you were a kid and when you wished your parents had taken the time to ask you how you truly felt and what mattered to you.
It could be that time you were trying your best to clean up a mess you accidentally made, and it was your first time doing this. Your parents never showed you how, yet they're shouting at you to do it "right" when you don’t know the right way to begin with. Somehow, your parents thought you ought to learn through osmosis from watching them do it before.
You may have thought, "If only they show me how by doing it with me first. Then, I'll do it on my own. That way, I'll know what they mean about wiping this floor dry—because for me, it looks dry!"
Maybe it's that time when your parents shouted at you for not writing your homework legibly and they kept repeating, "I've told you this so many times. Why can't you get it?" You felt frustrated, angry, and sad. You wanted to do it right, but your tiny fingers couldn't. Maybe you wanted to tell them how you felt, but you were too afraid that they would scold you again and think of you as a failure.
Answer yourself truthfully:
If you could express your thoughts and feelings to your parents as they try to teach you skills, would it have helped you become a better human being? Would it have helped you better regulate your emotions? Would it have helped you feel confident instead of insecure as a grown-up?
So, why would kids want to review their parents? Because you would have wanted that for yourself as a child. You know the answer deep down if you place yourself in your kid's shoes.
HOW CAN YOUR KIDS “REVIEW” YOU?
For your kids to be able to review you as a parent, they must feel safe doing so. If they fear expressing their true feelings to you, this can reflect a possibly deteriorating relationship between you and your children.
Being able to express one's feelings and thoughts without fear of consequences is key to having an open dialogue. This rule applies even at work, so why not apply it at home, too?
The first step is answering this question honestly: “Are you open to a different perspective?”
If your answer is "no," maybe you still have trauma from your childhood that you can't let go of, and you can't open yourself up to your child yet.
Asking your child to review you puts you in a highly vulnerable position. If you're not ready to be vulnerable with your child, don't ask them to review you. You'll only get hurt. Then you'll get mad at your kids. Then your kids will get mad at you. Then, your kids will feel rejected. Then you'll feel rejected. Then, the cycle of trauma continues.
I repeat: Do NOT ask your kids to review you if you’re not ready to be vulnerable!
If your answer is "Yes!" then try this novel idea!
HOW DO YOU GET STARTED?
To help you get started, you have to let your kids feel safe opening up to you. This is particularly critical if you have not had that relationship since they were younger. Otherwise, they will feel confused about your motives.
Trust is earned, even by parents. Earn your child’s trust first.
Here are three examples of how I encourage trust with my two young boys.
1️⃣HUG & SAY, "I LOVE YOU."
I know I love my kids, and my kids know I love them. But knowing is not enough.
I show them, too. I hug them and say, "I love you."
I leave them notes in their lunchboxes with different ways to say, “I see you. You matter.”
Some of the things and notes I’ve left for my kiddos include a yellow balloon with a happy face with my handwritten note saying, “Have a fantastic day!” and a post-it note recognizing my son’s online handle “Stone Bone” with a mom-joke saying, “Dear Stone Bone. You rock! Get it?”
I also loooove smothering them with kisses, hugging them until THEY are ready to let go, and telling them how lucky I am to be their mother.
These are things I’ve been doing with them since they were babies. You don’t have to do all of them at once.
You can start with a simple yet impactful action: saying, "I love you."
2️⃣ADMIT MISTAKES.
If I do or say something wrong, I admit it in front of my kids, saying, "I made a mistake." I laugh at myself, showing that it's not a big deal.
I do that when I spill water, for example, and then I calmly figure out how to fix it—I wipe the floor. It's no big deal!
My kids don't tremble in fear when they make a mess.
Things can be fixed fast; fixing scars from perfectionism takes a lifetime.
When I admit my mistakes, my children see that it's also okay for them to make mistakes.
That mindset shift is vital so they realize that even parents make mistakes, and it's okay—just like how they, as kids, make mistakes.
Our kids mirror what they see. Show them mistakes are part of life.
Once our children understand that everyone in the family makes mistakes - young or old - mistakes won't be so dreadful. Then correcting mistakes won't be so hurtful.
The next time you make a mistake, you can admit that you did, then say out loud (so your kids know what's in your mind), "How can I fix this?" Then, say out loud how you will fix it, and do it while they are watching.
You'll be amazed the next time you make a mistake and do these steps; when you get to the step of saying, "How can I fix this?" - your child will blurt out a possible solution! It may or may not be a reasonable and correct solution, but they started thinking about how to make things "better" after a mistake.
That's building the creative and problem-solving skills your children will need outside your home. It's a win-win!
How does this relate to your kids reviewing you as a parent?
The next time you make a mistake as a parent (and you will make plenty!), they will be able to think and say of a way to “fix” it that suits them best.
Since this process is typical in your home, it won't feel like a big deal anymore. It will feel second nature to support each other in becoming better human beings together as a family!
3️⃣SHOW COMPASSION.
Becoming a good human being is hard. Parents are still figuring it out themselves.
Imagine our kids whose brains are not yet fully developed biologically, mentally, and emotionally.
That’s why extending compassion to yourself and to our children is vital.
For example, when my kids want to wear their sweaters when the weather is hot, I tell them, "Okay, and when you're ready to take it off, you can do that anytime."
This short sentence empowers them to make decisions, let them know I heard them, and satisfy "the reason" behind their need for a sweater.
There could be many “reasons” why my kids want to wear their sweaters, but they could not articulate them.
What if they needed a sweater as their "safety blanket" for the new park we are visiting, and this park felt intimidating for my children?
What if they felt a lack of control with teachers telling them all day what to do at school, and they wanted to feel in control at home and chose to wear a sweater to the park as their way of doing that?
Or they wanted to wear a sweater because it made them happy.
Kids often can't find the words yet to describe how and why they feel certain things. (Even many adults have the same problem.)
I show compassion for my kids, empowering them to find their voice when ready.
CLOSING REFLECTION
Now that we’ve talked about the benefits of being “reviewed” by your children and three actionable steps you can take to start it with your family, I invite you to try doing ONE of them each day.
That’s one action per day for three days, then repeat for the next three days.
That way, the whole process won’t feel intimidating for you, and your actions won’t feel “suspicious” for your kiddos (you know what I mean. LOL!).
If you start doing these things with your kids, they will feel safe sharing candid feedback about your parenting skills.
Remember: Be ready to be an adult about it and show maturity in receiving constructive criticism from kids.
Managing your ADHD helps in this type of emotionally charged situations. That’s because ADHD is a chronic trait of limited self-regulation of your emotions, thoughts, and actions.
You got this!
JOURNAL PROMPT: Which of the three examples above will you try with your kids today?
I appreciate you,
Katherine
P.S. For sources and in-depth discussion on this and similar topics, click to connect with Katherine here: ADHD Simplifiers Community.
